


My Best Friend Is In Love With Me

by lennyangel



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Panic Attacks, family support, friend support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-14 16:31:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9193466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lennyangel/pseuds/lennyangel
Summary: Kenma has always been good at reading people. Which is why he has known for some time that his best friend is in love with him. Unsure on how to deal with Kuro's feelings, he ignores them. But you can't ignore problems forever...





	1. This guy

“Kenma!” I look up from packing my bag at the familiar voice. Kuro stands there, his usual grin on his face. His messy black hair and loud voice draw attention to him. Yaku is beside him, but his short height and relative quietness means he doesn’t stand out as much. Not many people do, next to Kuro. Except that noisy Ace from Fukorodani. “Hurry, practice is going to start soon!” I nod, and finish packing my bag. 

“I’ve told you, you don’t have to pick me up from class. I can walk over on my own” 

  
“But then you might not come. You might fall asleep at your desk and stay there all night.”

He laughs, but I ignore him. It would be easier to skip if he didn’t pick me up. But that isn’t the reason I don’t want him picking me up. Even though my classmates are mostly used to it by now, I can tell having a senior show up all the time makes them uneasy. We eat lunch together and he picks me up for practice. Sometimes he drops by just to say hello. He’s even helped me with cleaning chores before. It’s because I’m so quiet and unreliable that Kuro just can’t leave me alone.  
And the other reason.

 

I first realised when Kuro graduated from Middle School to High School. Before that day, Kuro began acting strange towards me. He suddenly asked to eat lunch together, even though we always ate lunch together. Asking wasn't really necessary. Then he suddenly stopped coming around to my house for a week. I asked him about it.

“Were you lonely?”

“Not really.”

It was my normal response yet he seemed to deflate. As if I’d said something hurtful. So I casually asked him to help me with my homework, since I was struggling a little. He cheered up, and things went back to normal. One day a girl confessed to him, which wasn’t rare. But he went on and on about it, asking my opinion. I didn’t get it and told him my usual response; I don't really mind. For some reason, he seemed upset by that. He ended up turning her down. On the day of the graduation ceremony, he came over to me. I could tell he wanted to say something. 

  
“I guess I’m graduating”

“nn”

  
He smiled, and looked so sad. Again, it looked like he was going to say something. Something meaningful. Kuro’s smile faded. I didn’t know what to do. He was normally the positive one, who lifted me up. But in that moment, he needed me to do that. And I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just stared at him, and waited. Suddenly Kuro threw his arms around me. Burrowing his head in my shoulder, with a voice like he was going to cry, he whispered

“I’m going on ahead” 

That instant, I realised _Ah, this guy is in love with me._

 

I’ve not really done anything about it since. This guy continued to see me every day. Despite that, he acted super ecstatic when I finally entered Nekoma. Now we spend every day together, even more than we did before. We walk to school together, eat lunch together, volleyball practice, walk home together. Then we usually spend time together at each other’s houses before dinner and even before bed. Most days the first person I see is Kuro and the last person I see is Kuro. I already can’t imagine my life without Kuro. I’m sure it’s the same for Kuro.  
I just don’t think I’m in love with him. I don’t know how to respond to his feelings, so I decided not to address them. Kuro seems to have come to the decision not to confess to me as well, which is a relief. I never want to lose Kuro’s friendship. 

 

On the way home from practice, things are normal. I’m playing a game and Kuro is talking to me about his day.  
“And then the teacher got really mad because no one would put their hand up to answer.” He grins as he recalls it. I don’t really get why it’s funny. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him tuck his hand in his pocket. His shoulders tense and his mouth pouts slightly. He’s about to tell me something, in a casual manner, that he’s been thinking about for some time.

“A girl in my class confessed to me today. She handed me a letter, and asked that I read it, even if I don’t return her feelings.”

Ah. He hasn’t got out of the habit of this since middle school. How does he want me to respond?

  
_“Nooo~, you can’t date her, I’ll be lonely~”_

  
The thought is too creepy. I’m distracted from my own thoughts by Kuro’s intense presence. He would probably look relaxed to an outsider, but his entire body is fixated on me. On my response. It feels like his body is one big, unblinking eye. I’m used to this though. 

“I see.” I don’t look up from my game. Kuro’s shoulders deflate somewhat, but he presses on. 

“I don’t think I’ll accept. She’s nice, but I want to focus on volleyball at the moment. I don’t really have time for a girlfriend. She’d probably just get jealous.” He puts on a mock girl voice. “Who do you like more, volleyball or me?” I nod. Some of the other club members have had that said to them in the past. But some of our seniors had girlfriends. I suppose it depends on the girl, and whether or not she’s the jealous type. If Kuro got a girlfriend, there would be two obstacles. Volleyball and me. Kuro spends almost all his none-volleyball time with me. His girlfriend would have to not mind all their dates involving a morose junior playing video games.

“What are you laughing at?” Kuro asks. I forgot he was still looking at me in the way he does. 

“I wasn’t laughing.” 

  
“You were”

“I wasn’t”

“…..were”

“wasn’t”


	2. I think you should...

_ Kuro walks over to me, his Middle School uniform pristine, clutching is graduation certificate in his left hand. He looks around, casually sticking a foot out. He grins his usual grin at me, and my heart goes ba-dump.  _

_  
“I guess I’m graduating” _

_ “nn” _

_ He smiles, then looks sad. Don’t cry, Kuro. He looks me in the eyes, and the emotion there is overwhelming. He’s going to say something, something he has wanted to say for a long time. _

_ “Kenma, I like you.” My chest tightens. How can I respond? I don’t want to hurt Kuro. I don’t want to lose our friendship. Why does it have to be me? Kuro is handsome, and smart, and fun to be around. He should date someone like that. Oh no, he looks so sad. He’s turning away. _

_ “I’m going on ahead” _

 

I awake to the sound of Kuro knocking on my door. I grunt to allow him to enter, and he walks in.

“Ah~, still in bed, Kenma? Honestly, we’re going to be late like this.” He walks over and pulls the cover off me. I’m yanked up, forcibly dressed, my hair is brushed. Marching me to the bathroom, Kuro continues his lecture. I feel sluggish, and my heart won’t seem to calm down. Why would I dream about the past like that? Why did the Kuro in my dream confess to me? 

“KENMA!” I snap out of it to find myself in the entrance way with Kuro pointing at my shoes. He’s holding two slices of toast in his hand. I slip my shoes on, call good-bye to my parents, and we head off to school. The air is cold, and I pull my chin into chest while burying my hands in my pockets. Sun beams peak over top of roofs, dripping small areas of warmth. A slice of toast is placed in front of my mouth, which I bite. I refuse to remove my hands from my pocket, and we walk in silence as Kuro feeds me my breakfast. Even though his hands will be cold, and I’m being spoiled, he’s smiling warmly at me. Right now, I bet he is thinking “I really like this guy”. _Ba-dump_. 

  
“Why are you frowning?”  
“Eh?”

I’ve nearly finished the second slice of toast, but Kuro is holding it away so I can answer. I must have frowned at my heart acting strangely. But I can’t tell Kuro the real reason. He’s still withholding the toast as he looks at me. Concern, affection, and something else. I can’t really tell what it is, which bothers me.I’ve always been good at reading people. I suppose it was a skill I developed as a child, to counter my quiet personality. I can understand people’s intentions from how they hold their face and body. It made it difficult for me to be polite to lying adults and obnoxious seniors. On top of that, I’ve not got a loud voice and I’m not very good at expressing myself. My face is always kind of blank. 

Being friends with Kuro helped a lot. Because he is so expressive and eye-catching, he draws a lot of the attention from me while making up for what I lack. People treat me better when I’m with Kuro. I always know what he’s thinking, which has been somewhat of a down point since he fell in love with me. He often looks like he really wants to hug or kiss me. Right now, after the strange dream last night, the fact that I can’t read him precisely bugs me. And he’s still waiting for an answer. I scramble in my brain for something relevant and plausible.

“I was thinking about the girl who confessed to you.” Kuro is surprised, and just blinks at me. His chest puffs out slightly; he is pleased. “Did you read her letter?” Again, Kuro is surprised. I’m surprised too. Why this topic? Of all the things to talk about, why a love confession? Chest puffage and small smile show me Kuro is secretly very happy about my out-of-character interest in his love confession. This is dangerous territory.  
He passes the last piece of the toast to me and I bite it from his hands. He looks at me softly for a moment, then replies.

“Ah, I did. It was mostly stuff about always watching me, and thinking I’m cool.” There is a pause, in which the sound of him thinking is almost audible. He slides a look my way out of the corner of his eye. I pretend not to notice, but my stomach sinks at the possibility of what he’ll do next.  
“I wonder what I should do. She’s one of the cutest girls in class. She mentioned she came to one of our matches and enjoyed watching it. Should I accept, I wonder? What do you think?”

Oh no. 

“I don’t know” _just leave it, please Kuro._ But my bringing up of the topic has emboldened him, and he pushes.

“Well, how would you feel if I got a girlfriend?” My heart skips a third beat today, if I include the dream. I don’t know how I would feel. Confused, I guess, since Kuro is in love with me. Kuro wouldn’t be able to spend as much time with me. For some reason, I feel sick. Maybe Kuro would fall in love with the girl, instead. She’s cute and, if she’s in Kuro’s class, she’ll be smart too. She sounds better suited to Kuro than me. Maybe eating and walking wasn’t a good idea, because my stomach sinks and I feel like I might throw up. I think about my dream. About how sad Kuro looked when he confessed to me. How he walked away afterwards. I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose Kuro. 

“I think you would have to spend less time with me if you wanted to date her, Kuro.” It just sort of comes out. I didn't intend for it to come out so dismissive. There’s a sharp intake of breath, and Kuro’s eyes widen. 

“What?” it’s just a barely audible. His walk slows down and his whole body deflates. An expression too sad and complicated to look at appears on his face. I don’t know what to do. I never know how to cheer him up. Kuro always cheers me on. I’m incapable of returning the favour. 

“Do you….want that?” he asks, softly. I frown. _Do_ I want that? I want Kuro to be happy. I don’t want to lose Kuro’s friendship. Kuro can’t really be happy if he’s in love with me. My stomach churns as I realise what I should say.

“I think you should go out with her.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this second chapter. I'm not used to writing first person (I find it limiting) so this is a bit of an exploration for me. I really tried to capture Kenma's way of thinking, and his cadence, and I hope it doesn't come across as awkward. I'll be updating every Wednesday until it is finished. Thank you for reading <3


	3. Disappointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Kenma wanted was for Kuro to be happy. He didn't expect it to hurt this much

I don’t look at Kuro as I say it. I _can’t_ look at him. I take out my phone and start playing a game on it. We continue to school, only the beeping and binging of my game breaking the silence. Kuro’s face is turned away from me. There is a dark aura around him, oppressive, suffocating. Kuro needs to let go of me. He deserves a cute girlfriend, and a normal life, where he doesn’t have to take care of me. I said something cruel, I know that. But I said it to help Kuro. This is all I can do. The only time I’ve helped Kuro before is becoming Nekoma’s setter. Even though I’m breaking Kuro’s heart now, it’ll be better in the long run. 

I can barely breathe.

“You think so?!” Jumping at the abruptness of the statement, I look at Kuro. A grin is stretched painfully across his face. The statement was loud, louder than necessary. All I can do is make an agreement sound, before hiding behind my hair. If Kuro sees the pain on my face, then all of this will be for nothing.

 

———

 

Yet another toss goes beneath Tora’s hands as he swings. He makes a frustrated growl and shoots me a concerned look. He doesn’t say anything though. Morning practice was the same. Kuro was also off his game this morning. We’ve never been out of sync before so I could feel everyone’s eyes on the two of us; it was awful. Just like Kuro, he managed to pull himself together for afternoon practice. 

I turn my eyes up to look at our captain. His mouth is tight and his lids are heavy as he looks down at me. Kuro is always looking down at me, because of his height. This is the first time time I’ve felt so small underneath his gaze. His face twitches, as if he were thinking “tch”, then he uncrosses his arms to place them on his hips. He’s going to talk to the whole team. 

“Alright everyone, to close practice, we’re going to go for a run. I want everyone to match pace. No one going ahead, or _lagging behind_.” He is deliberately not looking at me as he says it. Everyone turns their eyes towards me. I hide behind my hair. 

The run is really painful. Even though I don’t slack usually, I never have to push myself too hard. Everyone else’s paces, even their slower ones, are faster than me. So even though the entire team slows to make it easier on me, I still have to push in order to keep up. Tora and Lev hang back in order to run with me. It’s surprising how much guilt can fuel you to run faster. By the end of it, I’m gasping haggedly. Air rips into my chest. I really hate getting tired. Tora hands me my drink bottle, and I take it with a shaky hand. Yaku walks over to me as I’m gulping down my water. He’s giving me that sympathetic smile he has. 

“Kuro says to go on ahead. He has a meeting with the coach.”

I nod, and continue to drink, less enthusiastically than before. Yaku continues to look at me, so I avoid looking at him. Lev overheard and comes closer. His head is tilted in a certain way; I brace for the coming question.

“What happened between you two, you and Kuroo-san?” 

“Hoy! Lev!” admonishes Tora, stepping in to protect me. 

“Actually, I’ve been wondering that too.” Yaku joins in. “Kuroo won’t tell me anything.” he adds.

“Yaku-san!” begins Tora but I cut him off. 

“It’s alright Tora, I don’t really mind.” That’s not entirely true, but they deserve an explanation for the bad atmosphere from a while ago. “I said something cruel.” They all blink in surprise. 

“Then why don’t you just apologise?” suggests Lev, typically naive and cheerful. I shake my head slowly. 

“If I apologise, Kuro won’t be able to grow.” Out the three of them, I think Yaku is the only one who understands. I imagine Yaku is the most likely person Kuro told his feelings to. He continues to look concerned, but nods and leaves.

I walk home alone. Tora offered to walk with me but I assured him I wouldn’t get lost on the way to my own house. I know that’s not why he offered. Telling him I wanted to be alone was somehow too difficult. 

I have dinner, go to my room, look at my homework then play video games. As I’m heading to bed, I hear a knock at the door. It must be my mum coming to tell me something.

“Come in” 

Kuro comes in. 

“Kuro.”

He shuts the door and walks over to my bed. I’m sitting at my desk, staring at him. Again, I can’t read his face. 

“Kenma.” he pauses, unsure of what to say next. I continue to stare at him. I thought he was mad at me. Why is he here? He looks at me. 

“Kenma, why did you say I should go out with that girl?” The look in his eyes, it’s like he expects a certain answer. I avert my gaze. 

“She…sounds nice.” I mutter. “She would be a good match for you.” I add, trying to add legitimacy to my our of character suggestion. Kuro sighs. 

“Yaku says you think you said something cruel.” I flinch. If Yaku relayed everything I said, then Kuro would grow suspicious. He’ll ask about it. I don’t like lying to Kuro; I don’t think I can do it twice in one day. Not telling hims something is one thing, lying is another. 

“Kenma, I’m in love with you.”

My chest suddenly feels tight. I didn’t expect him to confess. Too many unexpected things are coming from Kuro today. I never wanted this to happen. Because I can’t return his feelings, I’ll end up breaking his heart. I don’t want to lose Kuro. 

“I know”

“I know”

My head snaps up. What? He sighs and gives a sad, soft laugh. “I bet it never even occurred to you that I would realise you knew, huh?” 

He’s right. Kuro usually is when it comes to me. He continues. “Yeah, Kenma tends to get stuck in his own head and forgets other people can read him like he reads them.” He leans back and gives me a sad smile. “The fact you let me stay beside you was enough to make me happy. Being with Kenma is one of the best things in my life.” His face darkens. “But I don’t think I can stay like this.”

My heart is beating so loudly, I feel I can’t hear him. It’s like he’s talking to me behind glass. 

“I’m not angry because you told me to get a girlfriend. I’m not _heartbroken_. I accepted you didn’t have feelings for me a long time ago. I’m angry because you lied to me.”

“Eh?”

“Even then, despite the spontaneity of the question, you still lied to me. When have you have ever thought someone “sounds nice”? When would you make the assumption someone is a “good match” for me?”

He’s tearing down my reasoning. But my heart won’t stop beating, the sound is filling my head, I can’t think. I have to keep going, so Kuro can be happy.

“You said she was smart and popular so I thought she would be a good person…”

“Stop it!”

I flinch as Kuro raises his voice. I really did think someone smart and cute and popular would suit Kuro. Someone the opposite of me. It wasn’t a complete lie. Why is he getting so mad? Obviously I don’t want Kuro to get a girlfriend. Obviously I don’t want Kuro to stop hanging out with me. I just wanted him to be happy. 

“I…can’t stand the fact you lied to me. So for now, I’m going to stop coming around.” He stands up, not looking at me. His voice is quiet as he adds, “Don’t forget to come to morning practice.” Then he leaves. 

  
“Kuro! Wait!” 

I get up as the door shuts and trip over my own feet. He must have heard me fall. He’ll come back to check on me. I stay on the floor as my vision blurs and my breathing quickens. He’ll come back. Kuro wouldn’t leave me. Tears flow from my eyes as I try to remember the breathing technique Kuro showed me. Even though he’ll be back soon. I try to open my mouth to take a deep breath but my throat is closed. I want Kuro. I’ve got to breathe. Kuro. Got to force it open. Kuro! 

I scream. The scream opens my throat and I can breathe again. Ragged, hitched breaths that taste like salt. My mum bursts through the door. She runs to me, rubbing my back. Kuro always strokes my hair. But the motion soothes me nonetheless. She goes to make me a cup of tea. I crawl in to bed. Wrapped in my blanket, safe and warm, a realisation dawns on me. Disappointment. That was the emotion I couldn’t read on Kuro’s face. Kuro was disappointed with me. Tears come again as I curl into a ball, clutching my painful chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always thought Kenma is the type to have anxiety, and panic attacks. I wrote from my own experience, where you honestly feel like only a scream can open your throat. I hope you are still enjoying the story, even if it's getting more and more depressing.


	4. Breathe in, Breathe out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is so late. I've been swamped for a little while, and hadn't had time to write. I hope you enjoy this slightly less painful chapter.

_Kuro walks over to me, a happy smile on his face.  
“I guess I’m graduating”_

_“nn”_

_He turns to a girl who is suddenly standing beside him. She is beautiful.  
“Since I have a girlfriend now, I don’t need you anymore. I’m going on ahead.” He turns from me. I reach out my hand to stop him, but he’s too far away. My feet are stuck. I call out to him. _

_“Kuro!”_

 

I open my wet eyes to the sound of my alarm. The last time I woke up crying was from nightmares as a child. Since my pillow is wet, I don’t feel like snuggling into it and falling back asleep. Besides, Kuro won’t be coming today. I try to ignore the huge knot in my throat as I think this. I have to get up, and go to morning practice. On my own. For the first time. 

There’s a cup on my bedside table. The tea is stone cold as I sip it, but my throat is sore so down it goes. My body feels heavy as I pull myself round my room, getting ready for practice. I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. My eyes are red and puffy, I’m pale, and my hair is a mess. Dragging a brush through the black and yellow strands helps with at least one of my problems. Frustratingly, tears come again as I brush my hair. Kuro normally does this. It doesn’t hurt as much when he does it. 

I head down the stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast. Mum has already placed it out for me, miso and toast. 

“Morning!” she chirrups, extra cheerfulness put in to counteract my bad mood. I mumble my response and sit down glumly. I have fifteen minutes before I have to leave. Even though I’m not hungry, I can hear Kuro’s voice in my head. _If you don’t eat, you won’t have enough energy to play Volleyball properly._ Would he be proud of me for remembering his words? The pain seems permanently stuck in my chest. 

“You really scared me last night. It’s been so long since you last had an attack. Did you have a fight with Tetsurou-kun?” All I can do is frown into my miso. “That’s no good.” she clucks. “Boyfriends shouldn’t fight.” I continue to chew on my toast. Mum wouldn’t understand if I explained it to her. Kuro will be better without me, I’m sure of it. Mum wouldn’t understand the complicated nature of his feelings. The idea of a boy liking another boy would shock her. Wait.

“What did you say?” I ask. Glancing at the clock, I see I only have five minutes left. She looks up, puzzled. Realisation dawns.

“Oh, you didn’t have to tell me. Mother figured it out. I wasn’t born yesterday you know.” She smiles at me. “Don’t worry, Mother doesn’t mind. Tetsurou-kun dotes on you; it’s all any mother could ask.”

My mind feels like it has both stopped working and gone into overdrive. My mum thinks we’re dating? I know Kuro is in love with me, but how did Mum figure it out? And she didn’t think it was just one-sided? 

“You should hurry and make up, okay? You better hurry, or you’ll be late for practice.”

Automatically I get up and leave the house. I don’t get out my game, because I need to focus on where I’m going. The whole walk I’m distracted by what my mum said. Arriving at the station, I realise I’m later than I should be. Looking around nervously while waiting in line, I must look really suspicious. 

“…that hair…disgraceful…”

With hunched shoulders I buy my ticket and rush to my platform. With a thud I bump into someone. I apologise and keep going.

“…didn’t even apologise…” my voice was too low, I came across as rude. The sounds are overwhelming as people rush around me, trying to get on the train. My vision begins to blur. I can’t breathe. Not here. Not now. Somehow I manage to get on the train. My heart is pounding, my breath hitching. _Don’t panic._ I hear Kuro’s voice in my head. _Remember what I taught you._ Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. I close my eyes. _Imagine setting a ball_. Breath in. _It rises._ Breathe out. _The spiker hits it._ Breathe in. _It scores a point._ Breathe out. 

 

———

 

The bell rings for lunch. I sit and wait in my classroom for a while until I realise Kuro won’t be coming today. So I grab my lunch and begin to eat it at my desk. Alone. Just like yesterday, after our fight. Just like before Kuro became my friend. 

It’s lonely and I can’t stop thinking about this pain lodged in my chest. Morning practice went okay. Kuro was distant but not cold. He treated me like any other member of the team. It hurt. But I managed to do everything okay. So even if he hates, at least he doesn’t want me to quit the team.

I only began playing because Kuro asked me to. If I can preserve the volleyball he loves, then it’s okay if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. I’ve been alone before. I can do it again.

Before tears can begin to fall, I hear my name being called. It’s Tora. He comes in and sits across from me, stealing the chair from my classmate’s desk. He places a bento on my desk and begins eating. 

“You finished dat game you were playing?” he asks, mouth full of rice. 

“Not yet. I’m stuck on a puzzle.” I’d been meaning to ask Kuro about it. The pain I hadn’t realised I’d forgotten briefly comes back.

“Why don’t you look up a tutorial?” he asks. I give him a look. We’ve had this discussion many times. He shrugs and continues to eat. We have inane conversation the whole of lunch. While the pain doesn’t go away, it didn’t hurt as much with Tora there. I suppose there are other reasons to continue playing Volleyball. 


	5. Why is this so difficult?

Day Two without Kuro. Or Day Three, if I count the day I said he should go out with that girl. We've never spent this much time apart before, outside of school trips. During school trips we'd always message each other if we could. I remember the first school trip Kuro went away on where he couldn't message me. His middle school went camping in the mountains. Even though I was in my final year of elementary school, I sulked the whole time. I cried when he came back and gave me a leaf from the mountains. He said he missed me. I told him he was stupid. He laughed.

The day passed without incident. Without morning practice, I was calmer getting to the station. Tora ate with me again. This time I thanked him but he just shrugged it off. Then in a serious voice he asked if I was okay.

“I don’t know.” I responded. For some reason I felt okay telling him such wishy-washy answer. Normally people hate those. They want to hear that you are fine. Tora just nodded and patted my shoulder. I think he was telling me, _I’m always here if you need me._ I don’t have many friends besides Kuro, so that was nice. The pain is still lodged in my chest, but at least I’m not alone.

I’m lying on my bed txting Shouyou. He always uses exclamation marks and emojis so txting him is enjoyable, if a bit overwhelming. 

“Hey! (=^‥^=) R U OK? Lev says U and Kuroo-san are having a fight???? ( : ౦ ‸ ౦ : )”

 

I’m not sure how to respond. I wouldn’t call it a fight. I pushed Kuro away and now he doesn’t want to be around me. Pain. 

 

“Yes….”

 

“｡ﾟ･ (>﹏<) ･ﾟ｡ Oh no!!! R U OK???”

 

I don’t reply right away. Yes? No? I’m doing better than I thought I would. I’m going to practice, the team is supportive and sympathetic, I haven’t had another full blown panic attack. But I keep having to breathe through them, I feel pain all the time, I miss Kuro.

 

“I miss Kuro”

 

“(っ´ω`)ﾉ(╥ω╥)”

 

“I’m scared he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore” My hand is shaking as I type it. The thudding of my heart consumes me as I wait for an answer.

 

“I understand. Whn Bakayama n me fought (*`0´)θ☆(メ°皿°)ﾉ, I was (″ロ゛) scared I wud lose the Volleyball (／o^)/ °⊥ ＼(^o＼)we play 2gether. Besides Natsu (◕‿◕✿) and Volleyball, I thought, Kageyama’s friendship might be the most important 2 me (*_ _)人

But!! Once I realised that ヽ(°〇°)ﾉ I knew everything wud be OK because Kageyama felt the same way (*＾ω＾)人(＾ω＾*)

If you treasure each other, everything will be OK 。.:☆*:･’(*⌒―⌒*)))” 

 

I sit and stare at the message for a while. What Mum said yesterday suddenly comes back into my mind.

 

“Mum thought we were dating. Me and Kuro.”

 

“ヽ(°〇°)ﾉ R U?!!!?”

  
“No, she just thought we were (笑)”

 

“Oh (笑) UR mum is strange. But U and Kuroo-san are really close so I think U will be OK. I hve to go 2 bed now. (つ≧▽≦)つ Good Night!!!”

 

“Thanks Shouyou. Goodnight.”

 

Dropping my phone, I lie back on my bed. There’s a complicated feeling in my stomach. The pain has twisted in to more of a queasiness. As if there is something I haven’t properly digested lying there. Can you digest emotions? If Kuro’s affection was so strong that everyone noticed it, how could he get so angry he didn’t want to see me again? Will he ever want to see me again? I think I might throw up. The room begins to spin as I contemplate a life without Kuro. 

There’s a gentle knock on my door. After I respond, my mum walks in, with a tray of tea. 

“Hello dear. I brought you some tea.” She sets it down and sits next to me. I’m still lying back on my bed, but I move my feet into her lap. She holds them absentmindedly.

“You’ve still not made up with Tetsurou-kun?” I shake my head. She nods and thinks for a bit. 

“Mum?”

“Nn?”

“Why did you think Kuro and I were dating?”

“Eh, you weren’t?” I shake my head again. She holds a hand to her cheek, a sign she’s confused and embarrassed. “Oh dear, mother guessed wrong.”

“You weren’t really wrong…” I mutter but can’t finish the sentence. She frowns slightly at me but I look away. Silence for a bit. 

“I just thought that Kenma, who hates troublesome things, was being so patient. And Tetsurou-kun was always so doting, you know? So mother just thought….”

“I was patient?”

“Of course! If father was anything as interfering as Tetsurou-kun, I think I’d get cross everyday. He’s always nagging you to do this and that. Do normal boys brush each other’s hair and feed each other? He mothers you more than I do.” At this she laughs. It never really occurred to me that I was the one putting up with Kuro. I always thought the patient Kuro was the one indulging the lazy and selfish me. 

“Mum?”

“Nn?”

“Do you think Kuro hates me now?” I don’t look at her as I ask it. I whisper the question, not even sure why I’m asking. He’s always been there, nagging, doting. I can’t imagine a me without Kuro. Actually I can. I guess that’s why I’m so scared. She gently pats my legs.

“Oh honey, of course not. It’s just a fight. It’s normal. Since you both care about each other so much, you two will be just fine.” I nod, fighting back tears. She gets up and kisses my head. 

“Drink your tea before it goes cold.” Just before the door closes behind her, I call out.

“Mum?”

“Nn?”

“Thanks.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Then the door shuts and I’m alone with my thoughts. Maybe tomorrow I will apologise to Kuro. We have afternoon practice, so some time during then. I’ll tell him I’m sorry for lying. That I want him to stay by my side. Would it be strange to ask him to stay by my side? Please be my friend again? I don’t know what I’ll say. I’ll say sorry. Please don’t hate me. I’m getting no where with these thoughts so I get out my PSP. I’m still stuck on this puzzle so even the game can’t distract me. Why is this so difficult?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter because I felt so bad about not updating for ages. I hope you enjoyed it! I also hope Hinata's txts weren't too confusing for you haha. I actually had to use this website http://kaomoji.ru/en/ as a references in order to write Hinata's txt dialogue. The sunshine baby is so difficult. (笑) is the Japanese equivalent of Lol, in case you were wondering. He also places this (*_ _)人 bowing emoji after saying Kageyama's friendship is the most important to him because he's apologising to Kenma (since pudding-head isn't #1 haha)


	6. Stupid Kuro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After coming to some sort of decision, Kenma must face the day. But Kuro is acting strangely, which discourages the setter somewhat

I feel on edge. I can’t stop adjusting my back pack. Hunched over, shifting my eyes back and forth under my hair, I make my way to school. _Tell Kuro I’m sorry. Tell Kuro I’m sorry._ _Tell Kuro I’m sorry._ I have to say it today. Somehow, I feel excited. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but today things will finally go back to normal. Although it doesn’t show on my face, I feel like I’m smiling. When I walk in to the gym for morning practice, I see Kuro is already there. He’s looking at me and somehow looks displeased? But I’m here on time. Never mind, today I’ll apologise and then everything will be okay. I go over to Tora and ask him to be my stretch partner. As I struggle painfully to reach my toes, Tora chats away to me. I give replies from time to time, when I can. The edge blunts slightly, as we talk. However, when we switch, I catch Kuro looking over at us. Again, he seems unhappy about something. My heart bumps painfully in my chest. I’m not quite ready to face him yet. Practice goes well. I unconsciously call out to Kuro when I send him a toss. He hits it perfectly. Then he stops at his hand for a while after scoring. It’s the first time we’ve been perfectly in sync since the fight. I don’t understand why he won’t look at me now. I want to see him pleased, I want to see him smile, I want him to be proud of me. Just look at me Kuro. Somehow, my feet feel weighted, and I can’t approach him. I watch him leave for class without so much as a sideways glance at me. 

\---

“You seemed cheerful at practice.” says Tora, his mouth surprisingly not full of food. I’m a little surprised that I’m so easy to read, but I’m getting used to being surprised. It’s like my save data somehow got changed without me knowing. I just shrug.

“That toss with Kuroo-san went well, huh?” At this I let myself smile a little. Then I remember Kuro’s strange behaviour after. Tora is watching me intently. I hide under my hair again. From beneath it, I mutter,

“Today, I think I will probably apologise to Kuro.” 

“Ah, that’s good. Good luck!” 

“nn”

The conversation moves on but I’m not really paying attention. Kuro’s back as he stood, looking at his hand, keeps circling around my head. Unbidden, an unease crawls into my stomach and curls up there. I fail to eat the rest of my lunch. As I sit through classes, I practice what I will say to Kuro. I practice what I say to people often; it helps me feel less anxious about the interaction. It has been a long time since _I ever felt I had to practice to talk to Kuro._

_Kuro, I’m sorry about lying._ What else? _I’m sorry I hurt you._ Something should follow that, so he knows I mean it. _I promise not to do it again. I miss you._ Should I say I miss you? It’s true, but embarrassing. Kuro is always doing embarrassing things though. _Kuro, I miss you, please be my friend again._ That sounds so childish. _I want to go back to normal._ That sounds better. I jump when the bell for end of school goes. My book is completely blank, as my fingers were simply tangling with each other rather than writing. I have to get to afternoon practice. I can do this. I can apologise. Unease begins to knead at my stomach. Maybe he doesn’t want to go back to normal. Why didn’t he look at me? Shaking my head, I make my way to the changing room. The team’s greetings sound like they are very far away. With weighted arms, I remove my clothes. Is Lev looking at me? Is it because I’m too skinny? Why is my uniform inside out? Kuro walks in as I’m struggling to get my shirt on properly. For a moment he looks as if he wants to help, but he soon turns away. 

I feel off all through practice. My tosses are ever so slightly off, just enough to damage the spikes. I can’t shake this feeling that something bad is going to happen. The time comes for Kuro to spike again. My fingers slip as I toss the ball. It falls completely short as Kuro jumps. For a moment his silhouette pauses in the air, and I’m struck by its beauty. He lands with a thump and a squeak. His black eyes meet mine. My vision blurs. _Not now. Not now. Not now_. I try to imagine setting a ball. But all I see is it slipping from my fingers. No breath is coming. Pain rushes through my knees as I crash to the gym floor. I think the team runs to me. Are people saying things? _Kuro please help me._ No. I can do this. Show him I can do it. He’ll be proud. _Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out._ Heart beat slows. Vision returns. I look up. Kuro is looking at me. _Hey, didn’t I do well?_ His head whips away from me. 

“Tch, so you’re fine without me?” 

Suddenly, all anxiety, unease, fear and unhappiness flies from me. All the pain I’ve been holding boils and bursts out. I stand, and with that motion words come from my mouth. Loud, angry words.

“Stupid Kuro! Who do you think I’ve been trying so hard for?!” I briefly see his shocked expression before storm away, barely stopping to grab my bag. 

\---

“Oh my, Kenma! What happened? You look furious.”

“Kuro is an idiot!” I reply, then I walk to my room as the sound of my mother’s flustered worry follows me up the stairs. My phone rings for the tenth time since I stormed out of practice. I turn it off. I don’t care that it’s out of character. I’ve never felt this angry before. Not even when Mum turned my game off and I lost all my data. Not even when the old club senpai would bully me. Kuro has always made me feel extremes. 

_“Tch, so you’re fine without me?”_

Just thinking about it makes me angry. And sad. Wasn’t I supposed to apologise today? Wasn’t everything supposed to return to normal today? I don’t understand how he could think that. As if I could be fine without Kuro. Hugging my knees, I scowl at my feet. Then I flop on the bed. Then I sit up. I lie down on my back, staring at my ceiling. While I move around, feelings, thoughts and memories swirl in my head. Everything feels like it’s clicking in to place. The reason I can be so angry at Kuro. The reason it hurts so much to be apart. Mum’s words come again in to my head. It seems I’m a lot easier to read than I thought. Is that Kuro’s influence? Or are these feelings so strong they break through? Then how come Kuro didn’t notice them? 

_“Tch, so you’re fine without me?”_

How could you think that, Kuro?

 

There is a knock at me door. I call a half-hearted ‘come in’. I’m not really in the mood to explain things to Mum right now. To my surprise and displeasure, Kuro walks in. He looks out of breath, and very sheepish.  
“Kenma”

I sit up and glare at him through my hair. He sidles in, rubbing the back of his head. A quick glance my way then he’s looking at the floor. _Please look at me._

“Kenma, about before, I’m sorry.”

Hugging my knees to my chest, I hide behind my hair. Maybe then he won’t see the tears that are burning my eyes. 

“I didn’t realise you were working so hard for my sake.”

“Stupid Kuro” I mutter into my knees. He gives a sad chuckle.

“Yeah, stupid me.”

“Aren’t you supposed to know me better than anyone?” He seems surprised but sighs.

“I thought so”

“Well, tough, Mum knows me better.”

“Ah, I suppose I can’t beat a mother’s intuition.”

“Yeah, she knew before I did.” At this he seems confused. It’s understandable; I’m confused. But I’m starting to realise why I’ve been in so much pain. The real reason I’ve been scared this whole time. My heart is thudding against my knees, tears fall and wet my pants, and a lump forms in my throat. Kuro comes to my bed and kneels down.

“I’m sorry.” he whispers. “I shouldn’t have gotten so mad.” Through the tears and the lump, I try to gulp out the question I need the answer to. I make a small gap in my knees to address Kuro through.

“Do…do you hate me?” My stomach constricts as I try to hold back the wave of tears that is lying there. Kuro’s face crumples. 

“You know I don’t.”

“I’m lazy, I can’t express myself well, i’m not that smart, I’m not attractive or tall, I’m only good at playing video games.” The words tumble out my mouth, salted, strained, searing. They hurt to say but they hurt more to feel. “Why did you fall in love with me?” It’s almost like I’m begging him not to. Maybe then I wouldn’t hurt this much. Kuro seems about to cry. He comes to sit on the bed next to me. He lifts my face up from my knees. I struggle, but eventually give in to rest my chin in his big hand. His eyes burn with that terrifying emotion as he says in a low voice.

“I guess I like all those things. I love the way you care a lot about other people. How you understand them. I think all your faces are cute, whether you’re smiling, concentrating on a game, setting a ball, hiding behind your hair or frowning. I like that you put up with me. I’m very annoying, but Kenma takes all my nagging and interfering and accepts it. I love you.”

I’m sobbing now. How can him saying such nice things hurt me so much? I just don’t understand why. But I’m happy. I’m fiercely happy. The intensity of my own emotions scares me and I want to hide. 

“Kuro, it’s not fair. Being beside you is hard. You shine. You’re cool and smart and handsome and everyone loves you.” I grip my chest. He goes to say something. I interrupt him. If I don’t say these words, my heart might just break entirely.

“But I don’t care. I don’t care if I’m not good enough. I don’t care if other people don’t think I’m a good match.” I grab his shirt, clutching at the fabric. My face is lifted and I’m forcing myself to look him in the eyes. His wide, surprised eyes. “I want you to stay by my side. I need Kuro. I don’t want to ever lose Kuro. I’m selfish and greedy. Even though there are so many wonderful people who love me, without Kuro, I’m not complete. Nag me, dote on me, just please, please, don’t leave.” His face is alight with wonder, and pain, and joy, and confusion. The feeling takes on solid form in me, like lava cooling. “I love you! I love you Kuro. And I’ll love you fiercely, and greedily, and I’ll indulge you as much as you want. I’ll only show Kuro all my faces, so just keep on thinking I’m cute. I..I..” words fail me. I’ve never said so much in one go before in my life. Still clutching Kuro’s shirt, I crumple against his chest, sobbing and shaking. His arms wrap around me, holding me gently, then tighter and tighter until it almost hurts. I wrap my free arm around him and hold him closer. More. I need more. I struggle to lift my face up. His eyes meet mine. They are warm and soft, but he’s hesitant; I can tell. Maybe he thinks this is a dream? Or maybe he thinks he forced me to say this because we were apart? Stupid Kuro. I lean up and push my lips to his. It’s my first kiss. Lips pursed, eyes screwed shut, I can’t see his expression. Eventually, his hands touch my face and he presses his lips against mine. Then he pulls away and presses them together again. Over and over. Now his lips travel across my face, kissing away my tears. I relax, then wriggle in his grip. It’s embarrassing. Our lips touch once more in a gentle kiss. Then he pulls away and looks at me. Thumbs slowly stroke my cheeks. Then he smiles, and laughs, and presses his forehead against mine. I nuzzle into his chest. I’m exhausted. Kuro’s heart beat is loud and comforting. He’s so warm. My eyes close on their own as he strokes my hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray! I'm so happy we finally got to the confession and kiss. What a relief that the dynamic duo is back together. I hope you enjoyed it!  
> I'm sorry that updates got so irregular. Next chapter will be a short wrap up. It's all written, so shouldn't come out too late.


	7. Achievement Unlocked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the emotional turmoil of the past week, our boys have some down time together

_Kuro walks over to me, his Middle School uniform pristine, clutching is graduation certificate in his left hand. He looks around, casually sticking a foot out. He grins his usual grin at me, and my heart goes ba-dump._

_  
“I guess I’m graduating”_

_“nn”_

_He smiles. He looks me in the eyes, and the emotion there is overwhelming._

_“Kenma, I like you.”_

_“I like you too, Kuro.” Our hands interlace, and we turn to face the sakura petal laden path._

_“Shall we go?” he asks me, smiling. I nod. We go on together._

 

I wake up later, lying on Kuro’s chest. The steady rise and fall of his chest tells me he fell asleep too. His shirt is still damp from my tears. It’s uncomfortable, but I don’t want to move. The sound of his heart beat is comforting. I lie there, just listening, staring in front of me. I feel lighter. The heavy feeling that I’ve been carrying since Middle School has gone. I struggle up to look at Kuro’s sleeping face. He looks so much more innocent when he sleeps. My movement disturbed him, and he grumbles awake. Our eyes meet. My heart flutters as his soften into a smile. A hand comes up to caress my cheek gently. 

“I can’t believe _that_ Kenma clung to my chest and cried while begging me not to leave.” 

His personality is still rotten. I pull away and sit up, to punish him. He just grins.

“You’re cute when you pout.”

“I am not pouting.”

“You are.”

“Am not.”

“…..are.”

“not.” 

He leans forward, his eyes searching my face. I try to hide behind my hair. 

“Can I kiss you?” I look at him. Somehow him asking is annoying. My hear skips a beat. That’s annoying too. I feel like Kuro might be even more troublesome since I confessed. That’s okay, I guess.

“Don’t ask. It’s strange.” He doesn’t respond, just smiles and leans in. Our lips touch in a soft kiss. He pulls away with a big grin on his face. A smiling Kuro is really the best. 

“Ah~” he wraps his arms around my waist and nuzzles my stomach. “I really missed you. Being away from Kenma was so hard.” The position is awkward but I don’t mind.

“It was hard for me too.” He nods, looking solemn although the effect loses an edge because he’s still resting in my lap. 

“Yeah, I see now. I just got so frustrated because I thought for sure Kenma needed me. Then to see him going about his day so easily, it was like I was the only one suffering.” He sees my face and immediately looks apologetic. “But I see I was wrong. You were trying really hard for my sake! I’m so proud of you, Kenma.” He smiles up at me. My stomach constricts, not with pain, but joy. Kuro doesn’t hate me. He isn’t going anywhere. I can make Kuro happy. I’m happy. 

“Did Auntie really figure you out?” He asks, leaning on his elbow. I nod, rolling to grab my PSP.

“She thought we were dating.”

“Eh~. And she was okay with that?” I just shrug while turning on the game. Kuro sits up, lacing an arm around my waist. Leaning against him, I show him the part I’m stuck on.

“Kuro, help me with this puzzle.” His face takes on a slightly strained look.

“Somehow I just got the feeling that Kenma only confessed so that I could help out with the game.”

“I get this far, and then I don’t know where to go.” He ignores me, preferring to pretend to sulk instead. I stare up at him silently. Then I lean up and kiss his cheek. When he looks at me in surprise, I tilt my head and ask again.

“Please, Kuro?”

His face is red as he reaches his hands around mine to manipulate the controller. I’ve learned something new about Kuro; he’s weak to my kisses. Somehow, it’s like I’ve unlocked an achievement. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is out late, I got so busy I forgot I hadn't put it up yet. I hope you've enjoyed reading my silly little fan fic. They live happily ever after, by the way, with their parents' and team's blessing. Hinata is overjoyed, if surprised.


End file.
